Sorry if this seems repetitive, but this week I've been on the verge of tears all week. Not so much at work, but at home. There's just too much trying to figure out and too many people with ideas and what they think is going on. I know I am supposed to work for God and not people which makes it easier. If I didn't have that, it would be rough. One girl did make a comment-even though she is rough there are always worse people out there. That makes me stop and think too. I could be stepping into a worse situation so I need to hold out until I have something that is solid.
There is also of course the past that I am still mourning for and the present situation that I didn't get.
I cried a little on Wednesday night. I took sleep aid. Thursday night I also took something when strong emotions really came on. Why do I want to suppress my feelings? I need to let them out and be able to heal. Other countries are smart in that they really yell, scream, cry at funerals of loved ones. It has got to be such a great release. Us Americans have to hold everything in and be "okay" for the rest of the world. No wonder we are so screwed up.
I don't really know why this year I really want to be vocal. I've always been pretty quiet about things, but this year I just have been wanting to yell and scream and even break stuff. A word has been popping into my mind lately and it's "change." I don't know what that means or to what situation, but it seems like for the new year that something has to change.
Another thought that keeps popping into my mind. What would I do if I were to run into my past="Faron?" I keep thinking of what I used to know. I have no idea what he is like now or if he's married, etc. I think it's probably a good thing that I work in hospital and if something were to happen there would be doctors around. I want to see him so much just to get that out of my system. Even right now as I'm writing this I'm crying. How did he get into my core so much?
Rich made it a little easier to get over him. Men are so hard to communicate with, but he also reminded me how easy it was to be with Faron. I think Rich was a gift from God in order to get over him. It's not every day that a girl gets lucky like that.
I know what it's like to not let stuff out. And you are right, we all walk around and pretend like everything's fine. The thing is, it's not fine and if more of us were honest it would be easier, less unrealistic expectations. Instead of dumping on everyone (I've known people like that) choose a few close friends and strive to be really honest...even when it's hard. Chances are they will open up more as well :) I'll be praying for you Becky.
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